I'm sure it's easy to see beautiful photos of Belgium, Phil's fluffy cat and coffee with Eddy & think this guy has the life. Making movies, traveling the world and getting - paid? Sure that's the picture I'd like to paint but part of why we have a blog is to keep things a little more grounded for readers who know there's probably more to the story than that. Of course it's not that easy so let me bend your ear (eyes?) for a moment and bring that picture back down to reality.
I'm sitting here in my studio and it's quiet. So quiet I can hear the wind outside. The rain hitting the roof and the fridge as it turns on and off. It's cold in here but I'm sweating. Too much coffee and not enough progress. I'm the king of procrastination but if we want this movie to be released on schedule, at Tour of California I cannot be. I took a couple days off and feel guilty and way behind. There is just too much to get done although I will put off the work for a few more minutes till this mug is empty so I can finish what I've now started here.
Ever notice the list of credits at the end of a film? How many people it took to pull it off? Now go watch one of our movies. No credits, just thank you's to those who helped. It's so goddamned daunting this thing. And I feel so goddamned alone in doing it. I really wish I had some help, had a budget to hire help. There's no creative meetings to share ideas. There's no hiring of writers or specialists to help or distribute the work load. It's just Ken and I with the occasional help from Curtis who's a full-time student with 2 jobs. Ken has a full time business with employees so he works nights on a list that only grows. And then there's me. The dreamer - er, sorry, the director.
I just deleted a run-on sentence about all the BS stuff I"m dealing with from hard drives that fail to credit cards to promotions for fund raisers and on... my point is this stuff is really hard and I'm not even editing the movie yet. Hell just trying to get people we still need to film to e-mail us back is a daily hurdle. Getting the attention of Ben Stiller or Lance Armstrong - mission impossible. No you don't need to read about me singing the blues but I do feel it's important to share some of the suffering, the down-days, the self doubt. Ken and I have put all our cards on the table and it's California or bust. Literally. I've never risked more and had a harder time getting the smallest things accomplished. So for the record, it's a down day. I'm riddled with self doubt and I'm trying like hell to pull this thing off. If I could just focus on being creative I might make some progress. But what fun would that be right? I'm getting a headache. Before casting any doubt over the production getting finished let me reassure anyone reading that I am tenacious as a pit bull and will finish this movie. Just wanted some of the non-glam side of my life because its' easy to think things are coming too easy - truth is Nothing Comes Easy.
Ken often tells me to break out a camera and do a self-interview when I feel like this. Maybe have it in the out takes. But that's the last thing you want to do when feeling self-conscious and unsure. Still photo is more telling anyway.